= LifE Of a GaL =

hi. i noe a long time never post. so sorry. maybe everyone thought this blog is dead or something... but well, i will just update once in a while when i free and i feel like it... sounds AP, but yah, tt's me.

today leh, i also dunno why, i am back in the i dun wanna talk mode... also dunno wad's wrong with me all day, i never understood why i dun feel like talking sometimes, but of course i just talk about my day now...

well, it started with a sj cmc meeting at 8. i was typing minutes, not all the way, but most of it... chio also typing lah, but i just type my own. i also dunno why i need to type, but i am just lazy to think and filter which are the stuff i need to know, which are the things i dun. maybe also cos i like to know everything. like PL says, maybe i am too greedy lah. maybe also because i also dunno what in the hell i doing in the corps. admin officer, yes, but i am also supposed to shadow all the smcs, learn how to be a senior oic. wad's more, i think other than admin, i dun really noe a lot of the routine trainings etc.

seriously sometimes i question myself whether i am mature and ready enough to be a senior oic for a smc. of course, you shouldn't compare oneself to others, cos everyone is different, but then i can't help comparing sometimes... what is it tt junyang and huawei has that i also have, that can make me qualify as a senior oic?

today i also quite sian diao cos everything i do seems to be wrong. okie lah, it's nothing major, but just brings down ur spirits. firstly, should i have asked for orientation evaluation with the oic absent. secondly, should i have voted in the selection of std1 sc? i didn't work with them before, just based on how i see them communicate and talk. kinda biased i noe. thirdly, this is nutting i done wrong, just that i feel weird. what is the role of a AO? what is the role of a SAO? actually to me, i feel that senior posts pple should step back and advise when necessary. things like briefing the new DYAOs perhaps should be my job. but i guess i also dun have such detailed speech planned for them... but still, no matter what, i feel weird cos that's not my concept of senior post and the AO post...

all in all, i feel that actually i am not needed in the corps lah, and i am not mature enough and suitable to be in the senior senior management. so seriously, when you come to this point of thinking, you would think of what's the point of staying?

perhaps some reasons of why i so sian diao today may be because of the above facts. perhaps i am just a little tired from running ard for a month for sj. with breaks in btw, yes, maybe i am tired from doing sj for the past 2 weeks. orientation, seniors cohesion, ctc cohesion... orientation mostly. anyway i didn't do too well as an orientation advisor. quite demoralised, cos jy and co are more like the ones advising than me. actually i wanted to talk to Samuel, cos he orientation oic, and he's quite demoralised too. but i really wonder whether i am in the position to talk to him when i am almost like him. though i must understand that it's critical tt jy they all step in and do stuff cos orientation cannot flop. but of course when pple step into ur job u sure feel uneasy about it.

hrm. so i ended up thinking, wad did i contribute to the corps, am i really needed. maybe i am led to think about the above facts cos i am stressed with school starting this week... having to study new topics, not understanding anything, doing tutorials blahz.

just to add on to the point of the SAO and AO part, actually i also a bit can't be bothered to be in the position as AO. I also dunno why. I always wanted to do admin, bring it to greater heights etc, but then today i just quite sian diao, i dun feel the initiative to want to do things. i dun feel the passion inside me anymore. i dunno if it's just today or wad, but by right this is the first day i assume the position, well, it shouldn't be the case. maybe for the past year, i am too used to just helping out admin when i free, stepping back when i sian diao, to the extent that i am no longer 'new' in this post, to the extent i feel quite sian taking admin on full force instead of as and when i like... but i dunno why. just describing the feeling as far as possible.

actually like i said, maybe cos i stressed with school... but usually i am not stressed with school lah... maybe cos these few days deciding elective, buying stuff for school, supposed to do tutorials... but usually school is not the factor...

i dunno loh. if anyone can figure out why i really so sian diao, u can tell me. maybe it's just ME. well.