sighz. sometimes i really dunno what am i doing anymore.

today i went to zone meeting. it was like a major discussion about things here and there. one of them was about having jnco in dec and then snco in june. william asked for opinions from the corps. so i guess i am the oldest there for dhs, so i just said loh. by right in zone meeting, all opinions are supposed to mean like your corps think that way. i was quite confident about my opinion and i just said loh, that we should have 1 year lapse for jnco and snco, and why etc. and our corps constraints for only able being to hold jnco in dec. right. and thus maybe snco should be in dec also blahblah. at least till that point, i thot that should be the general opinion around.

so i came home, and i found out that wl held a different opinion, and he felt that pl would go for snco in june. right. you know, when you are at a meeting representing your group, and you are actually not the boss in the group, yet you are supposed to air views that rep your group? professionally, u can't say, i dunno, cos i am not the highest rank or most senior. again, if you keep quiet, then what's the real point of going to a meeting to discuss things? okie so i am of a certain rank though not the highest, it would be weird if i kept quiet rightz. well, so am i right to air my opinion? i guess i should, just that i should just say it's my personal opinion. my flaw, i didn't say that loh. so basically, even if u have a certain rank, u can't really say that it's definitely my corps' stand on things, because there are so many people above you. so what's the rank for, i wonder. unless u are the CEO, you can say this is what my company wants. if u are MD, just say, this is my opinion, i think this should be the way. really. manz. the world works like that.

this sem is a most tiring semester. i got 3 core subjects, 3 project groups that is. 1 chosen, which i had to play a strategy game together with. i spent 3 hours arguing at a grpmate's house about what are our real intentions, our strategy etc. we didn't finish and continued online for 3 hours the next day. i am already exhausted from all these, it's just like she wants everything her way and doesn't plan everything in line with the strategy that we have agreed on. so that's a perfect arguing group, and goodness i have done that for 2 weeks(i.e. 2 rounds), cos we have to argue every round about all the numbers to put in for team's input on the game.

the second group was like, the perfect elite group. smart, outspoken people. right. so actually 3 of them are closer to each other, and 1 of them likes to whisper to another person about blahblahblah goodness knows what in front of everyone in the group. i find that action irritating, cos' if it's for discussion, just tell everyone. if it's not, we can share the sidetrack thing together. she was in my group last sem for another subject, but luckily we dun have meetings often so i ignored it, but it's still damn irritating. and so much for elite group, when they changed the company we were doing for project over the weekend, NOBODY told me a thing. i only got to know when they have changed the company and got ready the second proposal for submission on monday. fine, i thot it was just, u know, they forgot, and they were busy trying to find a new company cos the previous one flopped on friday. today the contact person in our group for the company, was saying the company refused to give us the SOP blahblah, confidential blahblah. and she went with another of my grpmate and asked the tutor about it, and thanks, we didn't know a thing la. nobody said anything like that, and if we didn't like go up to see what was going on with her and the tutor, we would never have known.

now all these made me quite detest this feeling, i am in the group, and you dun wanna tell me a thing. is it cos' i am not as smart, or cos' i am insignificant, or cos' u dun even feel that my existence is worth a cent? even if i can't tell u the solution, at least tell me right. for that, i have a mild feeling for my sj post in the camp in dec. so being the deputy camp chief, basically everything goes through the camp chief. sometimes i dunno some things, or i am not the first or one of the first to know, makes me feel that i am quite an extra post hanging around. i know it's not cos' they dun wanna send me, maybe they forgot, and seriously going through another person is really inefficient. so makes me feel like my job is quite in name only.

so exactly, what am i doing now? being in too smart a grp, pple think i am too dumb and useless. airing my views is either tiring cos i have the argue so long for a very simple thing, or i am in no position to represent anyone. manz. for the first time k, i think that working in my uni main comm is more enjoyable than any of these.

yoyoyo! the most miraculous thing happened! i washed my teddy bears!! they have been unwashed for quite some years, so if you have touched them, you may regret now. haha!

okiez, this is the cute photos of my dear soft toys on clothes peg.

My dear didi. *pull earz

gege (brother) and dino


scarfy, shuai niao and doodoo
(sorry the latter two are facing outside, looking at scenery i guess)


my tortoise, happy and the bad bad manz
(this pic looks funny with the bad bad manz and the background hdb)


happy family on clothes peg. with the addition of my dear cowie on the left.

Yoz. I shall add on to my list earlier on... bored as usual. I dun wanna study!!

More wish lists:
- perhaps a cooler for my dear laptop. I am scared it will explode if I leave it on to download stuff for more than 2-3 days.
- a pair of sony ear plugs tt is those with smaller cushions that can stick inside the ear better. eh, i dunno if it's noise cancelling, i only noe it's abt 60 bucks. haaa. black is preferred, so that if it gets super dirty, nobody will see! (now u noe why i like black handphones, better dun hold my phone next time, u dunno how dirty it is!)
- a dummy that looks like me so that it can replace me at project meetings haha!

Can't think of anything. got some stuff to do liaoz. BYE!

Yo! I am bored and lazy to study and do homework. So I shall start my birthday wish list before anyone buys anything. haha. Don't need to buy something from the list, I welcome surprise and creative stuff! Haha (I damn thick skinned)

Please do not buy me skirts, I have so many, though it's all knee length, but there's just too many! Eh, advisable not to buy any soft toys, my bed is overflowing! haha.

Things that perhaps you can consider:
- Long tops (on the search for long tops that is not too tight, trying to change my wardrobe to more feminine siaz. But this is tough, I am fatz so hard to find exact fit)
- Hooked, dangling earrings (plenty of studs, keep wearing the same few dangling, haha, cos the ones I like all very ex i.e. above 6 bucks)
- Cardigan (Bored of my dark blue mega size one)
- Handbag (realised I don't really have any except for the rectangular black one that I bring along when I wear formal wear)
- A super memory brain (arhh tml got advanced theory driving and I am not halfway thru, and I can't remember!)
- An intelligent teddy bear that does all my AA205 homework for online submissions like twice a week.
- A boyfriend. Haha!
- Dress? Don't have any except for a white one from my jc classmates last time. But not many dresses fit me well cos I am fatz.
- Swimming lessons next semester (cos' all the projects and driving lessons are driving me nuts this sem)