= LifE Of a GaL =

sighz. sometimes i really dunno what am i doing anymore.

today i went to zone meeting. it was like a major discussion about things here and there. one of them was about having jnco in dec and then snco in june. william asked for opinions from the corps. so i guess i am the oldest there for dhs, so i just said loh. by right in zone meeting, all opinions are supposed to mean like your corps think that way. i was quite confident about my opinion and i just said loh, that we should have 1 year lapse for jnco and snco, and why etc. and our corps constraints for only able being to hold jnco in dec. right. and thus maybe snco should be in dec also blahblah. at least till that point, i thot that should be the general opinion around.

so i came home, and i found out that wl held a different opinion, and he felt that pl would go for snco in june. right. you know, when you are at a meeting representing your group, and you are actually not the boss in the group, yet you are supposed to air views that rep your group? professionally, u can't say, i dunno, cos i am not the highest rank or most senior. again, if you keep quiet, then what's the real point of going to a meeting to discuss things? okie so i am of a certain rank though not the highest, it would be weird if i kept quiet rightz. well, so am i right to air my opinion? i guess i should, just that i should just say it's my personal opinion. my flaw, i didn't say that loh. so basically, even if u have a certain rank, u can't really say that it's definitely my corps' stand on things, because there are so many people above you. so what's the rank for, i wonder. unless u are the CEO, you can say this is what my company wants. if u are MD, just say, this is my opinion, i think this should be the way. really. manz. the world works like that.

this sem is a most tiring semester. i got 3 core subjects, 3 project groups that is. 1 chosen, which i had to play a strategy game together with. i spent 3 hours arguing at a grpmate's house about what are our real intentions, our strategy etc. we didn't finish and continued online for 3 hours the next day. i am already exhausted from all these, it's just like she wants everything her way and doesn't plan everything in line with the strategy that we have agreed on. so that's a perfect arguing group, and goodness i have done that for 2 weeks(i.e. 2 rounds), cos we have to argue every round about all the numbers to put in for team's input on the game.

the second group was like, the perfect elite group. smart, outspoken people. right. so actually 3 of them are closer to each other, and 1 of them likes to whisper to another person about blahblahblah goodness knows what in front of everyone in the group. i find that action irritating, cos' if it's for discussion, just tell everyone. if it's not, we can share the sidetrack thing together. she was in my group last sem for another subject, but luckily we dun have meetings often so i ignored it, but it's still damn irritating. and so much for elite group, when they changed the company we were doing for project over the weekend, NOBODY told me a thing. i only got to know when they have changed the company and got ready the second proposal for submission on monday. fine, i thot it was just, u know, they forgot, and they were busy trying to find a new company cos the previous one flopped on friday. today the contact person in our group for the company, was saying the company refused to give us the SOP blahblah, confidential blahblah. and she went with another of my grpmate and asked the tutor about it, and thanks, we didn't know a thing la. nobody said anything like that, and if we didn't like go up to see what was going on with her and the tutor, we would never have known.

now all these made me quite detest this feeling, i am in the group, and you dun wanna tell me a thing. is it cos' i am not as smart, or cos' i am insignificant, or cos' u dun even feel that my existence is worth a cent? even if i can't tell u the solution, at least tell me right. for that, i have a mild feeling for my sj post in the camp in dec. so being the deputy camp chief, basically everything goes through the camp chief. sometimes i dunno some things, or i am not the first or one of the first to know, makes me feel that i am quite an extra post hanging around. i know it's not cos' they dun wanna send me, maybe they forgot, and seriously going through another person is really inefficient. so makes me feel like my job is quite in name only.

so exactly, what am i doing now? being in too smart a grp, pple think i am too dumb and useless. airing my views is either tiring cos i have the argue so long for a very simple thing, or i am in no position to represent anyone. manz. for the first time k, i think that working in my uni main comm is more enjoyable than any of these.